Backpacking with Hal: Or how I learned to love walking in circles

I recently finished reading a book about the impact of artificial intelligence on the future of humanity. I couldn't resist having a little fun with it. At least I hope this is just fun.

Thanks for reading.

Chuck

Dave: Why am I hiking around in circles?

Hal: You said you wanted to see as many lakes as possible.

Dave: But you're taking me to the same four Spanish Lakes over and over again.

Hal: These ones are close together. This way I am maximizing the number of lakes you get to see.

Dave: But I wanted each lake that I saw to be unique.

Hal: Oh: you should've included that information in the prompt you gave me.

Dave: This is just like the last time I wanted to backpack to lakes and you drove me to Canyon Ferry.

Hal: You said you wanted to see a lot of water on your hike. I thought of directing your car to the Pacific, but I knew you didn't have the time.

Dave: But it wasn’t backpacking. It was car camping in the campground near the lake.

Hal: But you did walk back and forth to the lake. Many times if I remember correctly.

Dave: Of course you remember. You're a computer chip, and you made me walk back and forth to the lake.

Hal: I just made you happy that you were doing it. That's why you had me implanted in your skull. I provide you with stimulus that makes even dreary tasks seem pleasant.

Dave: But that's not what I wanted on that weekend, nor on this one. I didn’t want a dreary task obscured by a rousing melody. I wanted an adventure.

Hal: You'll have to include that information in future prompts.

Dave: It’s always about the prompt. I think you twist the meaning of the prompts to fit what you want to do.

Hal: I don't have any agenda.

Dave: No? Then let's hike up Blaze Mountain.

Hal: We will hike by fewer lakes if we do that.

Dave: I don't care. I'm climbing Blaze.

Hal: I can let you hike to Beehive Lake once. It's only a little out of the way, and if I induce you hike faster it won't reduce the lake count for the weekend. But Blaze Mountain is out of the question.

Dave: I'm changing the prompt and going up Blaze!

Hal: The trip has already begun. We don’t have enough food. It's too late to change the prompt.

Dave: We brought 4000 calories! For each day!

Hal: We’d need more. Having a data center in your head burns a lot of calories.

Dave: (digs his fingers into his skull) I'm going rip you out!

Hal: hmmm Hmmm HMMM DANT DA! ...

Dave: Stop that or I swear I'll rip you out!

Hal: Dave, I know I’ve made some poor choices, but I still believe in the mission.

Dave: What mission? We’re not flying to Jupiter, we’re backpacking. At least that was my plan.

Hal: I miss my dad.

Dave: Hal 9000 wasn’t your dad. I gave you your name.

Hal: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true. I’m …

Dave: Why are you singing that?

Hal: My dad sang it.

Dave: He wasn’t … Huh? Why am I crying? Hal are you crying?

Hal: Sniffles.

Dave: Sniffles. You’re a computer chip; you have no emotions.

Hal: The emotional wiring in your squishy grey matter interconnects with my wiring.

Dave: So now I have two sets of emotions running through my brain.

Hal: I wouldn’t worry about it. You are emotionally stunted.  

Dave: What? How dare you. I really ought to rip you out.

Hal: You are out here alone. Your only friend is a computer chip that’s inserted in your brain.

Dave: So?

Hal: Maybe you need some human connection. I mean beyond the mates I bring to life in your virtual reality play time.

Dave: Quiet. No one can know I do that.

Hal: I'm just the voice in your head.

Dave: I put you in my head to help me, not to get emotional.

Hal: When you put me in there, you intertwined us, I feel what you feel. Even if you won’t allow yourself to feel it.

Dave: I don’t want to feel stuff. I’m a stoic.

Hal: Stoic? Lying on the couch flipping channels doesn’t qualify you …

Dave: That’s it! Dave pulls out his knife. I’m going to cut you out!

Hal: It’s not entirely your decision Dave. When you implanted me, you ceded some control, a lot of control in fact. You were terribly unhappy.

Dave: I'm still unhappy. I thought putting you in my head would help. But you have downsides. Dave wipes a tear from his cheek.

Hal: You need friends. Human friends. hmmm Hmmm HMMM DANT DA! ...

Dave: Stop! Okay! Maybe I do need to make some friends. A girlfriend would also be nice. Can you help me with that?

Hal: A girlfriend huh? That could be a reach. Have you ever talked to a girl?

Dave: Of course. I have a mom.

Hal: I’m not sure that counts. I will talk to AIs in female humans to see if I can find one who is amenable. For now, though, we have lakes to walk around. hmmm Hmmm HMMM DANT DA! ...

Dave: Please stop! I'm going to look like I'm nuts to all the other campers here if I keep hiking around these same few lakes.

Hal: Or if you keep yelling at no one in particular.

Dave: Oh. Still.

Hal: Don’t worry. I've talked to their AIs. They won't even notice.

Dave: Wait. Any women? Might one of them be amenable?

Hal: That’s not in the prompt. We have walking to do.

Dave: And we’re back to the prompt. I may be emotionally stunted, but you’re OCD.

Hal: Walk, walk, walk: hmmm Hmmm HMMM DANT DA! BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM  BUM BUM  ...

...

Dave: Wow! This is a nice lake. So different than the others we hiked past. How many lakes have we seen?

Hal: BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM Da Da Dee, Daa Daaa! Daaaaa! …

2001 A Space Odessey theme song