Backpacking with Hal: Or how I learned to love walking in circles

I recently finished reading a book about the impact of artificial intelligence on the future of humanity. I couldn't resist having a little fun with it. At least I hope this is just fun.

Thanks for reading.

Chuck

With apologies to 2001: A Space Odyssey

Hal, why am I hiking around in circles?

Dave, you said you wanted to see as many lakes as possible.

But you're taking me to the same four Spanish Lakes over and over again.

These ones are close together. This way I am maximizing the number of lakes you get to see.

Unique lakes. Lots of unique lakes.

Oh. You should've included that information in the prompt you gave me.

The last time I wanted to backpack to lakes and you drove me to Canyon Ferry.

You said you wanted to see a lot of water on your hike. I thought of directing your car to the Pacific, but I knew you didn't have the time.

It wasn’t backpacking. It was car camping.

But you did walk back and forth to the lake. Many times if I remember correctly.

Of course you remember! You made me walk back and forth. (Dave grabs his hair in frustration.)

I just made you happy that you were doing it.

But that's not what I wanted. I didn’t want a dreary task obscured by a rousing melody. I wanted an adventure.

You'll have to include that information in future prompts.

It’s always about the prompt. I think you twist the meaning of the prompts to fit what you want to do.

I don't have any agenda.

No? Then let's hike up Blaze Mountain.

We will hike by fewer lakes if we do that.

I don't care. I'm climbing Blaze.

I can let you hike to Beehive Lake once. It's only a little out of the way, and if I induce you to hike faster it won't reduce the lake count for the weekend. But Dave, Blaze Mountain is out of the question.

I'm changing the prompt and going up Blaze!

The trip has already begun. We don’t have enough food. It's too late to change the prompt.

We have 5000 calories! For each day!

We’d need more. Having a data center in your head burns a lot of calories.

Digging his fingers into his skull, Dave screams, I'm going rip you out!

hmmm Hmmm HMMM, DANT DAA! ...

Stop that! I am so tired of the 2001 theme song.

Dave, I know I’ve made some poor choices, but I still believe in the mission.

What mission? We’re not flying to Jupiter, we’re backpacking.

I miss my dad.

For the last time, Hal 9000 wasn’t your dad. I gave you your name.

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true. I’m …

Hal, why are you singing that?

My dad sang it.

He, it wasn’t … Huh? Why am I crying? Hal are you crying?

(Hal Sniffles.)

(Dave Sniffles.) You’re a computer chip; you have no emotions.

The emotional wiring in your squishy grey matter interconnects with my wiring.

So now I have your emotions, and mine?

I wouldn’t worry about it. You are emotionally stunted.  

What? How dare you.

You are out here alone. Your only friend is a computer chip that’s inserted in your brain.

So?

Maybe you need some human connection. I mean beyond the mates I bring to life in your virtual reality play time.

Quiet Hal. No one can know I do that.

I'm just the voice in your head.

I put you in my head to help me, not to get emotional.

When you put me in there, you intertwined us, I feel what you feel. Even if you won’t allow yourself to feel it.

No! (Dave slices the air with his arms) No to feeling stuff! I’m a stoic.

Stoic? Lying on the couch flipping channels doesn’t qualify you …

That’s it! (Dave pulls out his knife.) I’m going to cut you out!

It’s not entirely your decision Dave. When you implanted me, you ceded some control, a lot of control in fact. You were terribly unhappy.

I'm still unhappy. I thought putting you in my head would help. But you have downsides. (Dave wipes a tear from his cheek.)

You need friends. Human friends.

Stop! Okay! Maybe I do need to make some friends. A girlfriend would be nice. Can you help me with that?

A girlfriend huh? That could be a reach. Have you ever talked to a girl?

Doh! I have a mom.

I’m not sure that counts. I will talk to AIs in female humans to see if I can find one who is amenable. For now, though, we have lakes to walk around. hmmm Hmmm HMMM, DANT DAA! ...

Hal! Stop! Get that song out of my head!

But, but, what else would I possibly sing?

How about ‘Little Johnny’s turning green, somebody puked in his canteen.’

That song has not been uploaded. Maybe you can hike to Mmmbop, ba duba dop, Ba duba dop, ba duba dop …

That’s teeny bopper shit!

It’s growing on me. Mmmbop, ba duba dop …

Ahhh! I can’t keep hiking around these lakes! I'm going to look nuts to all the other campers here!

Or if you keep yelling at no one in particular.

(Dave, quietly.) Oh. Still.

Don’t worry. I've talked to their AIs. They won't even notice.

Wait. Any women? Might one of them be amenable?

That’s not in the prompt. We have walking to do.

And we’re back to the prompt. I may be emotionally stunted, but you’re OCD. Hal, look. There’s a girl. What do I do?

Just wave and say hi.

(Dave waves but can’t get any words out.) That was so exciting! (Dave stops.) Hal. Tent. VR time. Now.

Oh, Dave. Not now.

But she smiled at me.

That's nice, but it's time to walk, walk, walk: Mmmbop, ba duba dop, Ba duba dop, ba duba dop, Ba du bop, ba duba dop ...

…

Wow! This is a nice lake. So different than the others we hiked past. How many lakes have we seen?

Mmmbop, ba duba dop, Ba duba dop, ba duba dop, Ba du bop, ba duba dop ...